KBJB

American Presidential Trivia*

footagenotfound:

1. Grover Cleveland, when asked which country he’d like to see diplomatic ties strengthened with during his first term in office, he replied, “Ham hocks.” He ran for his second, non-consecutive term, in office on the platform of, “Second lunches for all!” He won in a landslide but never delivered on his promise, instead consuming everyone else’s second lunches himself. Unsurprisingly, he died of a heart attack in 1908.
2. Andrew Johnson, who would become the 17th President of the United States after Abraham Lincoln was assassinated, was originally nominated as a vice presidential candidate so Lincoln could heal the post-Civil War nation with four years of “Johnson” puns. Sadly the nation never got to hear these puns.
3. James Buchanan, Americas only bachelor president, was given the nickname James “Butt Cannon” Buchanan by his frat bros at Dickinson College.
4. James Madison was officially the first president to “give no fucks,” which led to the rather unfortunate War of 1812.
5. Warren G. Harding is Rick Santorum’s favorite US President. Coincidentally, Harding factually sucked at life and was a pretty terrible president.    
6. Martin Van Buren, the last human being to unironically sport mutton chops, was ironically a strict vegan.
7. Harry S. Truman, upon hearing that the Japanese had surrendered and WWII had concluded, ceremoniously stuck his dick in some mashed potatoes. This is now considered the gold standard for celebrating the end of a successful war. 
8. Franklin D. Roosevelt, upon seeing a wheelchair for the first time declared, “Hey, they have chairs with wheels and here I am using my legs like a sucker!” Nearly 60 years later “The Simpsons” would steal this quote for a Homer character arc. FDR’s great-granddaughter gave the family’s approval to use the quote via fax.
9. Abraham Lincoln made all of his presidential decisions using a crude version of the magic 8-ball.
10. William Jefferson Clinton once played snooker with comedian Todd Barry. He describe the experience as “underwhelming.” 
11. Millard Fillmore, in his farewell address to the nation in 1852, conceded that Millard is a stupid name and apologized for his parents choice. In 1874 he legally changed his name to Max Blaster! and died with the most awesome name ever. 
12. Chester A. Arthur was 1/16th Cheshire cat, and 15/16ths a-hole. By blood. And DNA.
13. Theodore Roosevelt posthumously sued the creators of “Parks & Recreation” for obviously stealing his identity for the character Ron Swanson.
14. James A. Garfield never learned how to read. He was America’s first illiterate president, and paved the way for George W. Bush to be elected in 2000. Thanks, dick.
15. John F. Kennedy coined the phrase, “I’d hit that,” in 1953.

*That I totally made up.

please make this an on-going thing. because i may or may not have messed myself at work while reading this. God bless Depends.